As you may have seen in the past couple of post I haven’t been feeling myself for the past couple of months and I found the courage to share my story with you. I received some amazing support which I can not thank those people enough because it has helped me push myself even more to feel better. Over the next month or so I would like to keep sharing my recovery journey with you in hope that it will help me but may even help some of you also.
Recently I reach out to my doctor, who referred me to a wellbeing counsellor. This week I met with him, his aim is to help me think more positively and help me almost reprogram my mind to deal with the large amount of anxiety going on at the moment.
Let me Share a Story
So today I thought I would share a story with you that has gradually developed over the past couple of months. Its not a sad one like the last one but more like the start of pushing some of the negativity out of my life and letting go of something that I discovered was toxic for me. And already I feel as though a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This story is about one of my most recent ‘relationships,’ trust me it deserves the quotation marks.
I am no relationship guru nor do I have vast amounts of experience in this area, mainly because I have been quite content being single for the most part. Which means when it actually comes to dating and relationships I take a huge leap of faith.
I was happy at just being single and free
I have never been in love but I have grown to care about someone deeply in the past. Which when it didn’t work out it still shattered me into a million pieces. This person had not only broken my trust but then slapped it back in my face. I have never felt so much pain and anger in all my life. I’m the type of person who doesn’t hand out trust here, there and everywhere. Trust is one of my key values that I hold for any type of relationship, including friendships. Once I had broke up with this person I chose to focus on myself and get through the rest of my uni course, and to be honest it was the best thing I have ever done. I was happy at just being single and free.
Fast forward three years later and I am faced with the reappearance of said person and an attempt to rekindle what ever we had left. To which of course I was completely skeptical about to begin with, even though all those bad feelings were long gone. I knew deep down though this was a risky move if I accepted, as I knew there was a very big chance everything would happen all over again like a broken down record. But I am a very strong believer in second chances especially if they are willing to show me they deserve it. So I gave in and gave him the benefit of the doubt…
But what I won’t allow myself to feel is regret…So if I had a small piece of hope that this time around things were going to play out my way…
But yet again he me pushed off a cliff and played me for a fool. Except this time I was able to not get attached to the idea of what could have been, I felt able to walk away. Still with my current state of mind I couldn’t help but feel like I am not worthy yet again and I’m left thinking what is wrong with me that you think its okay to treat me like this. I don’t feel hurt or betrayed because this time round I was not the one with a point to prove. This time round I knew it would be his loss if things never worked out. I just feel confused and disappointed that my time was wasted yet again. I also won’t allow myself to feel regret. I am 24 years old still searching for someone, someone who will fight to have the privilege to stand by my side. So if I had a small piece of hope that this time around things were going to play out differently then I wanted to see that for myself. Sadly though that wasn’t to be.
Love or the desire to be loved is one of the most complex things on the human planet, it can be so beautiful but yet so sinful and can cause people to do the most hideous of things. But in a lot of ways we all need it to survive, and we will all continue to search for it. Just be remember to be observant and know when to let go.
Thanks for hearing my story